This Is The End Of White Oprah

I have had a blast with White Oprah but it is time to move on. I really appreciate everyone that came here and read my blogs for the last 4 months.
Just started another blog if you are interested. You can find me here...
1happypill.com

Thanks again!

Ready For This To Be Over

The mother called.

"Can you take off work tomorrow to watch the Royal Wedding with me?"

"Are you freaking serious?" I ask.

"Well yes. Your grandmother and I have watched the majority of the Royal functions since I was a child. I thought it would be nice since she is gone now that we start a new tradition and you watch it with me."

Ok so I feel a little bad but there is no way I am watching this crap. Not to mention getting my big butt out of bed at 3am. That is what a DVR is for. What is wrong with people?

"Mom, you know...you have two daughters and I really feel that the other one would enjoy that far more than I would. Give her a call and ask her."

Oh my sister is going to stab me.

"You know, that is a good idea. I will call her in a little while."

"Thanks for the offer though Mom!"

Man, that was a close one.

Oh No You Didn't!

I love Walgreens. It is probably my 2nd favorite store in the whole world (Best Buy= #1). I was in Walgreens this morning as a matter of fact. I had a bit of a personal issue that was in need of some attention. Louie, the store manager, helped me find the ointment I needed and even put rubber gloves on to handle my ointment after I brought it to the counter. What service!

So when you mess with Walgreens, you are messing with Woprah. You don't wanna mess with Woprah.

See photo above. This lunatic got mad because they would not give him his meds, because he is stupid and brought in the wrong paperwork. So Mr. Man decides to whiz on the cough drop section. This was noticed after the man had left the store and a clerk walked by thinking she smelled urine. Quick check of the security tape and the crime is confirmed. It is estimated the man ruined $300 worth of cough drops.

So I am hereby issuing a Woprah warrant for this retard's arrest. Well, you don't really have to arrest him, just knock him down and hold him until I can get there. I will take care of the rest.

Woprah Reviews "Water for Elephants"

I read Sara Gruen's novel a few weeks before seeing this movie. I know it is generally always true that the book is better than the movie, but I had hoped that bringing the circus to life on the big screen would make the movie so spectacular that I would forget all about the book. No such luck.

Rob Pattinson basically plays Edward Cullen with a few changes...shorter hair, eyes are not gold and instead of feeding on animals, he takes care of them. I would also giggle every time someone called him "Jacob" in the movie. For all the members of "Team Jacob" out there, I am sure that must be pretty weird.

Reese Witherspoon is a beauty and did a pretty good job as "Marlena". I think the problem with this movie is there seemed to be very little chemistry between her and Pattinson. I read earlier in the week that Pattinson had a cold while filming their love scene and Reese was pretty grossed out by it. "He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it--and it was not appealing. I'm talking green, infectious, disgusting -- I'm not kidding! ... I'm going to say it's a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn't sexy."
I should not have read that before going to see the movie because all I could think about was green snot during their love scene. Thanks Reese!

Christopher Waltz is by far the best actor in the movie aside from the elephant. They decided to drop the "Uncle Al" character and make "August" the owner of the circus for the movie. I hated "August" in the book and I hated him even more in the movie. Waltz really was the perfect "August". Charming and handsome in one scene and a raging elephant beating lunatic in the next.

The movie got far more interesting when "Rosie" hit the screen. She is a sweet, funny and gentle giant. When August beats her it is horrible to watch and hear. It makes you want to rush on set, steal her and try to hide her in your garage to protect her from all things evil.

Overall the movie is ok. If you don't want to spend the money it takes to get into a movie, don't. Just wait for it on dvd. I give the movie a C+.

From A-Z All About Me

Giving credit where credit is due...I stole this from "Mean Girl Garage" (in my blog roll if you would like to read hers), who stole it from someone, who stole it from someone else. But of course, all the answers are original. 

I am sure most of you lie awake in your bed at night thinking of me. "Who is this White Oprah person? What is she like? She seems pretty cool but I would like to know more." 

Well wonder no more. A-Z all about me.  Enjoy. I am open to questions after, if this didn't take care of all you wonder about. 

A. Age: 39...streaking towards 40 at the speed of light. 

B. Bed size: Queen of course.

C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors. But thinking about this further, there really aren't any chores I like. I prefer laying on the couch, in my pajamas, eating M&Ms. 

D. Dogs: #1 Poncho-outside dog. My mother ran him over. She swears she didn't but she hated that dog for jumping all over us on the way to get in the car for school. When they told me he was hit by a car, at age 7, I pointed a finger at my mom and sob-screamed, "You did it! Dog killer!" Then I called my grandparents to tell them what a horrible daughter they had raised so they sent me...Fluffy. 

#2 Fluffy-mini poodle- Would not have been my first choice for a dog but she made all the work she was worthwhile by having the shits all the time and wiping her ass on my mother's white walls. Needless to say she was given away to some crazy people that would paint her toenails and send me pictures. 

#3 Bogey-I am now 18 years old. Had to move out of the house in order to ever have another pet again. I picked her out as a tiny puppy and she was with me for 15 wonderful years. She went to doggy heaven July of 2005. 

#4 Precious-Found her on the side of the road. Took her in and she was Bogey's sister. She lasted for 17 years. She met Bogey in doggy heaven in June of 2007.

I want no more animals until I get old. 

E. Essential start to your day: Checking email and taking the 20 pills that get me through the day. 

F. Favorite color: Don't really have one. If you put a gun to my head I suppose I would say yellow. 

G. Gold or silver: Silver. 

H. Height: 5’6

I. Instruments you play(ED): Drums and a little guitar. 

J. Job title: Made up my own title at work...Senior Sales Representative. Sounds much better than the Customer Service Whore on my business cards. 

K. Kids: Hell no. 

L. Live: Not sure what this means. Yes, I am alive? I live for now?

M. Mom’s name: Carlissa (funny way to say her name) or Mom. Never Mama. I hate that. Grosses me out for some reason. 

N. Nicknames: Chan, Diddy, Aunt Nan, C-diddy and Woprah. 

O. Overnight hospital stays: Two. Tonsillectomy at 26. Had to stay overnight due to "excessive bleeding". Then at 27 or 28 for being crippled up with compartment syndrome issues. 

P. Pet peeves: Liars, cheaters and people that eat their finger and toenails or their boogers. 

Q. Quote from a movie: Ok, I am a movie freak. I cannot have just one.

 "Say hello to my little friend" from Scarface

"May the force be with you." Star Wars

"You talkin' to me?" Taxi Driver

"I'll have what she is having." When Harry Met Sally

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty

S. Siblings: One sister, 5 years younger than me. 

T. Time you wake up: 6:25am Mon-Friday. 7:30am on Saturday and sleep as long as possible on Sunday. 

U. Underwear: Never go without them. I am know you are relieved to hear that. 

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Cauliflower. Makes me gassy. 

W. What makes you run late: I am NEVER late. Late people annoy me. Add that to "P" up there.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Too many to count. In grade school, I tried to break my arm on purpose so I could have a cast and have everyone at school sign it. I would cry and carry it around with my other arm until the mom would take me to the hospital. 

Besides those, I had broken collarbone, broken foot and chest x-ray for whatever funga munga I caught 2 years ago that made me cough for 4 months straight. 

Y. Yummy food you make: Everything I make is amazing but probably cheesecakes, sloppy joes, fried potatoes and mashed potatoes. I am good with a potato. 

Z. Zoo Animal Favorites: Lions, bears, snakes, crocs and elephants. 

Someone is Taking This Dancing Show a Little Too Seriously

My mother just called. Apparently Petra Nemcova was just kicked off "Dancing With the Stars".

I said, "Yea, duh she sucked."

This apparently made the mother a wee bit crabby. She says to me, "What? She was very sweet."

My retort..."Being sweet doesn't mean you can dance. Look at me...I am sweet and I cannot dance a lick nor would I ever expect to win a dancing contest for my sweetness."

And she says, "You're not sweet!"

Click.

Uh huh. Ok, where did I put the number for my shrink????

Hines Can Shake His Bon-Bon

I am having just one of those days. You know, nothing in particular wrong...just wish I could have stayed in bed all day watching Lifetime movies and eating Cheetos.

Then it hit me. Today is Monday. I will get to watch Hines Ward dance on "Dancing with the Stars". Yipppeeeee! My whole outlook has improved drastically. I went from wanting to sell all my worldly possessions and moving into a convent to wanting to max out my Best Buy card buying video games and cds. Ahhh back to the old me.

Watching Hines dance makes me smile. Plain and simple. So stop watching whatever weird sex show is on the OWN network and switch over to ABC tonight. I think it will bring a smile to your face too.

Joan Jett + Miley Cyrus = Disaster

Oprah, you have screwed the pooch once again.

I had heard Joan was going to be featured on an Oprah episode of 70's and 80's rockers so I recorded it. Joan was outstanding as usual but here is where it gets mucked up. Oprah paired Joan with Miley Cyrus. Yep, you heard me. So I have to sit and listen to Miley sing along with Joan on "Bad Reputation", "Cherry Bomb" and "I Hate Myself for Loving You". While this is going on, Oprah a.k.a. the devil, is out in the audience fist pumping and trying to dance. After their performance, Oprah went up and hugged Miley like 100 times but only touched Joan once and looked frightened she might have caught something from Joan. Oh Oprah.

I have loved Joan Jett since I was 9-years-old. I had a babysitter that would play "I Love Rock-N-Roll" over and over and over. After years of listening to Barry Manilow and The Carpenters with my mom, my little ears were about to explode from pure pleasure.

Joan and I have had some memories over the years. I have been on the front row for 2 of her concerts, met her once and was run off the road by her tour bus driver. I suppose maybe I should explain the tour bus memory.

Joan was in concert here in town. My BFF Cindy and I had tickets and went to see her. We left the show and went cruising around town singing to our Joan tapes at the top of our lungs. What do we see??? Joan's bus parked at the Wendy's. We circle and circle, neither one of us brave enough to get out of the car. So we park and watch. Well some dude went in and picked up Joan a #1 combo and hopped back on the bus. So we followed. Followed all through town and when the bus gets on the interstate we keep following. This might have been where we made our mistake.

We pulled up along side the bus honking and waving. "We love you Joan," we screamed. I passed the bus and got in front of them for awhile, then they passed me and again we are honking and waving. This was so much fun! I made my move to pass the bus again and next thing I know the bus is coming over into my lane.  No signal, nothing. Runs us off into the median. That pretty much did me in for the Joan fun for one evening. I placed my shaking hands back on the steering wheel and headed directly home.

Yes, technically Joan tried to kill us but that has not stopped Cindy and I from loving her. If Joan is playing remotely close to our town we get tickets and pretend for a night we are back in high school. Oh those were the days.

Inspiration Found

I met David Sedaris Tuesday night. I could not think of anything clever to say but I did not say anything completely dumb either. Apparently he is super weird about having his picture taken or I would have sat on his lap for a wonderful photo opp.

David (yes, we are on a first name basis) was very talkative and shockingly tiny. Not just skinny...I am thinking if he were standing he might have been able to make it up to my boobs. Maybe. Doesn't matter! The man is a genius.

His show started with a reading from his most recent book, moving on to a story about visiting China (I will never ever ever ever ever go there), another story of how his father admired the boy down the street for his swimming ability over David, a few readings from his diary and a few questions from the audience.

His timing was amazing. Really very much like seeing a show from a stand-up comic except David never moves. Just stands behind a podium and occasionally takes a sip of water.

After listening to the man tell his stories, it became clear to me he is a literary rock star. Going on tour, meet & greets, adoring fans and free food. This my friends is the life for me. I began to daydream...world travel, plush hotels, people crying when they meet me. That photo up there? My office. Well except for a few things...the drapes must go, I like my chairs to roll and is that a puzzle?? No puzzles...that will be replaced with a comfy couch for reading and napping. Then there is the view. I cannot see very well out those windows so a few shrubs must go and then I better be looking at an ocean. That computer has to go as well. That might fit David Sedaris, but not this big mama.

So there you have it...my dreams in writing. In all those crazy self-help books I read they talk about putting things out in the universe and they magically start to happen.

Universe! Pay attention. It is out there and I am ready and waiting.

Tomorrow I Might Meet My Idol

This is author David Sedaris. Tomorrow night I will make the drive down to Arkansas (I had no idea the people down there could read!) and attend a book reading and signing.

His books are the kind that make you laugh so hard you cry. After reading a few of them I knew that this is the kind of writer I would love to be someday. I imagined women in bed with their husbands reading my books and they would come to a part that makes them laugh so long and loud their husbands must leave the room. Old ladies would read my books and have to change out their Depends. Men would say, "Ah man, check out the boobs on this writer", while looking at my flap photo. Hey, I will take whatever praise I can get.

So to meet him tomorrow night would be truly awesome. I have already picked out the book I want him to sign, "Holidays on Ice" and now just need to figure out what to say to him. I would like to say something clever of course, but in situations such as these, I tend to freak out a bit and say really dumb things. My fear will be saying such things as, "you are much better looking in your photos" or "your teeth are white. Do you use Crest Whitestrips?" I think I will sleep on it and hopefully something non-crazy will come to mind.

I am going to share a few Sedaris quotes from his books with you. If you have never read Sedaris, maybe you will want to after this or maybe you might want to stick with Jackie Collins smut novels. You make the call.

"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
— David Sedaris (Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays)

"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
— David Sedaris (Holidays on Ice) 

"The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence."
— David Sedaris (Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim)

 "When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness." 

— David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day)

 "The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf." 

— David Sedaris (Santaland Diaries)

"I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives."

— David Sedaris (Naked) 

Woprah Doesn't Like Oprah

Yes, it is true. I don't like Oprah (I will pause to wait for all the collective gasps). I know, how can someone not like Oprah? She is an icon. Blah blah blah.

My blog is called "The White Oprah". Many people assume many things about that. That I might be racist perhaps. Nothing could be further from the truth. White Oprah is not about color so much as being the anti-Oprah. White=good and pure. That is me. That other Oprah is the devil.

I have many reasons to dislike her so I will share just a few with you. Yes, I am prepared for a long list of hateful comments telling me I am just jealous of her. Bring it.

 She invented Dr. Phil. I really don't need to say much else about this because I think America might have figured this one out on their own. But just in case you haven't, this should sum it up for you. Straight from the man's website.
" This Web Site, its Content (including any information provided by users) is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional financial, medical, legal, or other advice." 

 Giving away things she really doesn't pay for although takes full credit. Best example is the cars. You heard it all over the news, "Oprah buys studio audience brand new cars." No she didn't. Those cars were given to her because GM had a product to promote and no one sells crap better than Oprah. Anything you seen given away on her show was not paid for by Oprah.

Now when Oprah does spend her own money giving something to someone, she will make sure you know about it. How many shows were on about her starting that school in Africa? Even better is being asked to join "The Giving Pledge", a pledge billionaires give to donate 50% of their income to charity, and she has yet to sign up. You will see all over that Oprah has donated the largest amount of money to charity, but you need to consider how much money this woman makes. Her large amount of donations adds up to around 11% of her income. Not anywhere near the 50% Warren Buffet and Mark Zuckerberg are handing out.

Let's talk about her ego. It is beyond huge. I suppose mine might be as well if all I had to do was mention the name of a book and women across the country would flock immediately to book stores to buy it up. Oprah has an enormous amount of influence. So much that it scares me. She makes Jim Jones look like an amateur. People are drinking the Oprah Kool-aid, let's just hope one day she doesn't decide to put some poison in it.

Oprah also loves material things. Her "Favorite Things" show is huge. But is that realistic for the average housewife watching her show daily? I am sorry Oprah, but I cannot afford a $2400 watch by Phillip Stein or a $3800 refrigerator. To be honest, I wouldn't even want those things if I could afford them. Oprah makes it seem like money can buy happiness and sometimes that is just not true.

Last but not least...I hate that she has to have her big face on every cover of her magazine. Isn't that a bit much? Yea, I know Ellen and Michelle Obama were on one but did you notice Oprah was on the cover with them? Martha Stewart doesn't make you look at her face on the cover of her magazines every single issue. Why must we look at Oprah?

I will admit her story is remarkable. She came from nothing and has become one of the richest people in the world. I do admire that about her. But I just think Oprah the product has gotten out of hand. I am ready and waiting for her last show to air. Maybe women will start thinking on their own for a change.

Use a Taser Next Time

8-year-old Aiden Elliott went on a rampage at his grade school. He had thrown a TV, chairs and was wielding a foot long piece of wood trim with a sharp point to use as a weapon.

The teachers got as many kids as they could out of the room and locked them in an office just to get away from the kid. Aiden took a cart and was trying to bust the door down to get to them. The police were called out.

The police tried to talk him down but he was just not responding and even spewed out, “Come get me, f ------ !”

They then decide to spray him with pepper spray. The first dose was blocked by the kid with a piece of cardboard he was carrying with him. 2^nd dose gets him in the side of the head and down he goes.

Yesterday the mother and lunatic child made appearances on TV saying the police never should have used pepper spray on the child. It was just too much.

Too much??? Shooting the kid MIGHT have been too much. Using pepper spray, not so much.

Then we discover this is not the first time the cops were called out to tame this beast. They had seen this child twice before this incident! Both times they were able to talk him down.

 This woman should be ashamed of herself. She has raised a child that has zero respect for other people, including authority and elders.  She should have also kept her butt off of TV. If this were my child, I would be mortified. I would have the shrinks come in and determine if I should ship him off to the nutty farm, not giving him a reward by appearing on the “Today Show” and “Good Morning America”.

I hate to say it but this kid doesn’t stand a chance. In 10 years or sooner, he will be appearing before a judge because he stabbed someone or beat someone or ran someone over with his monster truck just to watch them go squish. This child has serious mental issues.

I cannot believe teachers have to deal with this crap. They are not paid near enough to deal with fruitcakes like this all day long. When Christmas rolls around this year, please buy your kid’s teacher a weapon to protect herself. That would be far more practical than an Applebee’s gift card.

Mandy Elliott, get a clue! Get this kid some help before he seriously injures someone.

Someone Skipped Art Appreciation Class

A woman went nuts Friday at the National Gallery of Art. She tried to yank this painting off the wall and was banging on the plastic that protected the piece. The woman was screaming, "This is evil!"

The painting by Paul Gauguin is called "Two Tahitian Women".  It was on display as part of a special Gauguin exhibit.

The woman was arrested and charged with destruction of property and attempted theft. Now I am not sure why they would charge her with theft because clearly she did not like the piece enough to hang over her fireplace. I imagine she just wanted to smash it into a few hundred pieces there in the gallery.

The painting was to be examined today for damage. This was painted way back in 1899 so I hope she didn't rough it up too much.

After taking a look at the painting, I am not sure what she got so crabby about. Yes there are two women showing their breasts. Has she never been exposed ( exposed...get it? hehehe) to art before? How are boobies evil? I don't understand but clearly this woman was off her meds on Friday.

Ina Gonna Boycott You Bitch

Ina Garten, you should be ashamed.

Ina Garten, not once, but twice refused to meet a little boy that wanted to meet her via the “Make a Wish Foundation”.

 Enzo Pereda, 6 years old, has had acute lymphoblastic leukemia for 3 years now.  He would often watch Garten’s show, “The Barefoot Contessa” from his bed with his mother.  When “Make a Wish” called he immediately knew that he wanted to meet and cook with Ina Garten. How many 6 year old boys would want to meet this old bat?? Not many. She should have been thrilled. But no, she refused. She gave the excuse of a busy book tour.

“Make a Wish” tells the boy she is just too busy and would he like another wish. He said that he would wait. The foundation went back to Garten again asking her to meet with the boy. Again, she says she is just too busy.

Enzo was told no again and this time he came up with another wish; to swim with dolphins. Pereda’s mom said the boy looked at her and said, “Why doesn’t she want to meet me?” Doesn’t that just break your heart?

As soon as this story broke, what do you know?? Suddenly, Garten’s schedule was cleared. Enzo has been invited to visit the set of her show.

It is odd this story has come up this week. I just this past weekend watched a portion of one of her Food Network shows and was bored to tears. I got to watch her feed her face with some restaurant owner’s cheese dip and then we were shown how to make it at home. This woman got rich off this stupid show??

Ina Garten is a greedy self-absorbed woman. Oh yes, her publicist said she is bombarded with requests to meet sick adults and children and she simply cannot meet everyone. There cannot be that many people that want to meet this woman. Or how about this? Cancel one of your book tour stops or re-schedule a stop. Will someone die from not getting their cookbook signed? Not a chance. You picked the book tour over charity because the book tour pays baby. You evil, evil woman.

Please don’t put any more money in this woman’s pockets. Read more, watch TV less. If you need a cookbook, buy something by Paula Deen or The Pioneer Woman.

Laptop Sock:Greatest Invention EVER

This is the laptop sock. As you can see it wraps around your laptop and has armholes so you can type away. The sock goes over your head so you can watch whatever you want without anyone knowing. Pair this with The Snuggie and this is my idea of heaven on earth.

The main reason being that I am always cold. It can be 100 degrees outside and I will have my heater on under my desk at work. I wear long-sleeve shirts year round. This sock would keep my hands and my nose super warm.

The other reason is I hate when people lean over and look at what you are doing on your laptop. Doesn't matter if it is at an airport or at home with family, people just are nosy by nature I suppose. With this you would not have that problem at all. Well I am sure someone would get over-curious and try to lean in to see through the knitted material. At that point, I would pull the sock off my head and scream at them, "YES! I AM WATCHING PORN!"

I am told often that I am hard to buy gifts for. Well people get those knitting sticks to work. I am going to give you the instructions to whip up one of these for me and if you hustle you might just be able to have it done in time for Christmas. http://www.instructables.com/id/Laptop-Compubody-Sock/

Not Intended For Those With Weak Bladders

I love to laugh. It just makes me feel good all over.

If you have a cell phone with auto-correct I think you will get a kick out of this site. I cannot tell you how many times I have typed something like, "That guy was lame" then look to see my phone has sent, "That hit was lame." The other person thinks you are nuts or retarded. So you quickly try to re-send "guy" so they know the phone has screwed you once again and you do not need to be institutionalized.

If you want a good laugh and you think your bladder can hold from laughing so hard (mine did not) then go check out this site...damnyouautocorrect.com. Page after page filled of examples like the one I have posted. Just take it easy, I don't want to be running Depends to your house tonight.

You Might Be An Idiot If...

An unidentified man (would you want everyone to know you did this to yourself?) went into a tattoo parlor in Amityville, NY and let the tattoo artist talk him into having this lovely piece of art placed on his leg.

Mike Nomy, tattoo artist said, "We were talking about Charlie Sheen and kept repeating his catchphrases. I said that I had an awesome idea for a Sheen tattoo and he immediately said he wanted it. I thought it was so funny I did it for free."

I have heard of some crazy stuff going on in Amityville but this takes the cake.

Personally, I have never been a fan of tattoos. I just don't like the thought of something that is inked on me forever. I change my mind about things more often than Anne Hathaway changed gowns during the Oscars. My first tattoo would be "Adam Lambert's Lover". A year or so from now I will be over Adam (maybe) and would have to scribble it out or just get a new one for my new love..."Trump's Tramp". So, it is just best I pass on getting a tattoo anytime in the near future.

As for this guy...when the Sheen mania is over, he will have to have skin graft surgery performed or just chop off his leg. Poor bastard.

Hooters Saves The Day

The only time all year long I watch college basketball is during "March Madness". I love filling out a bracket and trying to pick the upsets.

The bad thing about "March Madness" is most of the games take place during the day when the tournament first gets started. It is hard to keep track of the Ohio State score with your boss peeking over your shoulder.

Well Hooters has come to the rescue! They are offering up a doctor's excuse, along with a coupon for a free appetizer. So just call in sick, head down to your local Hooter's, enjoy the games and come back to work on Monday with an excuse. I am not sure who thought of this but it is genius. If you are interested in participating all you have to do is go to the link below and print off your doctor's note and free appetizer coupon. Enjoy the games everyone.
http://www.hootershookyday.com/register.aspx

Once Bitten, Twice Too Much

Let's face it, vampires are hot right now. True Blood, Vampire Diaries and the Twilight series have taken vampires to a new level of popularity.

So I guess the news story I just read should not surprise me, but it does.

An Arizona man has received 3 years of probation for stabbing his roommate when he refused to let him suck his blood. Aaron Homer, 24, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault.

According to the Arizona Republic, Homer's roommate, Robert Maley, had let him suck his blood once. Maley told Homer no thanks the second time around and all hell broke loose.

The two men live together along with Homer's girlfriend who told police both guys are "into vampire stuff."

"Into vampire stuff." Uh huh. You know I am a big fan of True Blood but I have never once thought it would be a great idea to suck someone's blood. I don't think it would taste good and with my luck I would catch some sort of rare disease.

Please people, get a clue and leave all the bloodsucking to the Cullens.

Blast From The Past

Tera Myers, 38, resigned from her position as a science teacher and volleyball coach of a suburban St. Louis high school, after a student confronted her about being a former porn star.

Myers is a mother of four children and had been teaching in the Parkway School District for four years. The school accepted her resignation "out of respect for her privacy and that of her family."

This is the 2nd time that Myers has had issues trying to teach. In 2006, she was suspended from a school in Paducah, KY. The school district decided not to renew her contract.

Myers began her stint in porn because she was a homeless mother of two. " I was broke and wound up meeting some strippers who introduced me to stripping. I was making a lot of irrational decisions, porn only being the worst.”

Myers worked her way out of the mess she was in. She received a teaching degree from Murray State University in Kentucky." I’ve found God. I’ve gotten an education. I’ve done everything I could possibly do to prove that I’m a different person now. … As a teacher, I can exemplify what it means to change.”

This just makes me sad. Teaching is a crappy job to begin with. Here is a person that so badly wants to teach kids and be a positive influence. She has obviously worked really hard to forget about her past and move on with her life.

I understand that once this is out it might be a little distracting, especially to high school age boys, but there are other grades she could teach where the children don't know of such things yet. I just don't think her past should ruin her career.

Would like to hear your opinions...

Give Me American Idol Or Give Me Imprisonment

Are all the crazy people in Florida?

Barran Prakash, 47, attacked two of his co-workers because they would not turn on "American Idol".

Prakash was preparing a meal in a hotel room Tuesday night and talking to his wife on the phone. His wife reminded him that the show was coming on. Prakash told the co-workers to change the channel to Idol. The two co-workers refused and Prakash put a butcher knife to the throat of one of them.

Cops were called and Prakash was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

So many questions...why was he sharing a hotel room with 2 co-workers? Why would a 47-year-old man be so obsessed with American Idol? Does he have a crush on Ryan? What was he cooking for dinner? Why did his wife tell him Idol was on Tuesday night? It wasn't. All that for nothing.

Ladies You Must Read This Book

I have been reading this book for awhile now. With all the writing I have been doing for class and for the blog I don't have as much time to read as I would like.

I read one of my many self help books and the person that wrote that book recommended this one. I have read a few books on finance and savings but none like this. It was easy to understand and has so many good things in it that I am going to have to go back over the book again.

Please keep in mind this book was last updated in 2002 so some of the information is dated like you are worth more money than you make, go in and get a 10% raise. Uh huh. Not with this economy. But really most of the information in this book is very helpful. I wish someone had given me a copy of it about 20 years ago, but I will get busy with what I have learned and hopefully won't be eating cat food when I retire.

I beg you...go get this book right now and start reading. If you are a dude and don't want to buy a book for women I understand...David Bach has many books out that you might be more comfortable reading like, "Smart Couples Finish Rich" or "Start Late, Finish Rich".

If I had Oprah money I would buy every woman I know a copy. That is how important I feel this book is. Do yourself a favor...check it out from your library and then report back to me what you think.

Ex-Girlfriend Making A Killing Selling Stuff On Ebay

This is "Taylor". Her friend and a neighbor tipped her off that her boyfriend was cheating on her while she was working. She kicked him out and started selling his stuff on Ebay. The catch? She poses with very little on while displaying the boyfriends stuff.

The woman is making a killing. I checked a few minutes ago and a plain white t-shirt autographed by "Taylor" was getting $61. Dress shirts were over $100.

She says that her boyfriend had been unemployed for 5 years and she had bought all this stuff for him so it was rightfully hers to sell.  Isn't that kind of rude to give a gift and take it back to sell?  I suppose it was rude of him to cheat on her though. What puzzles me is this...if you are this hot...why would you support your unemployed boyfriend for 5 years? I would have dumped him long before now. 

Obviously she doesn't want anyone to know who she is, so if I were the ex, I think I would start getting my butt on tv shows and exposing her. All is fair in love and war, correct? But so far no ex has come forward, which makes Woprah skeptical. Could she have made up this whole story to get publicity and money? And why do you have to be half naked to sell the stuff? In the interview she says it is because he liked her to dress very conservative and this is a way of telling him he has no say so anymore. She also said she was not vindictive. Uh huh.

I smell a rat. Only time will tell I suppose. If you are bored and like looking at photos of a half naked woman then go check out her site. Tell her Woprah sent you.
http://myexboyfriendscloset.com/

Funny Charlie Sheen Cartoon

Celebrity Apprentice 2011: Might Be Nuttiest Season Ever

The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts tonight on NBC at 8pm central.

I must admit when I saw the lineup of celebs I knew I would have to watch. The only celeb that might make this season better would be Charlie Sheen. Here are the competitors: Richard Hatch, David Cassidy, Dionne Warwick, Marlee Matlin, Gary Busey, Mark McGrath, NeNe Leakes, Jose Canseco, Star Jones, Meat Loaf, Lisa Rinna, Lil Jon, LaToya Jackson and John Rich.

Now most of these lunatics I can see being on this show but Dionne Warwick and Marlee Matlin? You would think they would be a little too high class for this show. I realize they are raising money for their charity of choice but you would think they could do that without being a Trump puppet.

I think Gary Busey will make this show interesting. He is truly mental. LaToya is right up there. I wish I could figure out why I love watching crazy people so much. Is it because I relate???

Ok so here is what I am hoping for...Star Jones and Lisa Rinna have a cat fight...big one...so big they both leave the show. David Cassidy is going to be useless which will anger the males on his team and he will be one of the first to get fired. Busey stays on as long as possible for entertainment value and John Rich wins Celebrity Apprentice.

Tune in tonight to check it out. There isn't anything else to watch on Sunday nights so you might as well enjoy the Trump circus.

Woprah Interviews Billy Ray Cyrus

WO: Billy, your interviews of late have made you seem a bit crazy so I thought I would give you the opportunity to clear up a few things.

BR: Thank you. That is nice. Maybe one of these days I will do something to return the favor, like play at your 40th birthday party.

WO: Um, nah that's ok. Let's get to it. Did your wife really have an affair with Bret Michaels?

BR: No he is a good friend of mine.

WO: Means nothing and she looks like she has been around the block a time or 200 times.

BR: I don't want to talk about my wife.

WO: Ok, how about Miley? I have heard you say in the past that you have never made a dime off of her. I would like to call BS on that one.

BR: What are you talking about? I haven't made any money off of Miley.

WO: You mean to tell me this house of yours was paid for by "Doc" and "Achy Breaky Heart"?  Nope, not buying it.

BR: Well I wrote "Achy Breaky" so I keep getting checks from that.

WO: Billy, you did not write "Achy Breaky".

BR: Well I wish I wrote it. That is a good tune. Now I do bring in around $30,000/ year touring.

WO: Dude, I make more than that a year. I certainly don't have a house like this. Sure you haven't made some money off Miley?

BR: Well maybe a little.

WO: What's up with the hair? It is an improvement over the mullet but not much of one.

BR: Look at these fancy highlights. My hair is stylin' these days.

WO: Miley is hosting "Saturday Night Live" tonight. Did she invite you up to watch the show?

BR: Nah, I was thinking maybe you and me could chill here and watch it together. We could snuggle up on the bear rug and watch a "Doc" marathon before the show starts.

WO: Wow, well that sounds like fun Billy but I have an appointment for a colonoscopy and I just cannot miss that. Bye Billy!

Woprah Interviews Charlie Sheen

Me: Charlie, you have been a very busy boy. I think I have seen you on every news program and radio station out there.

C: Yea I gotta get my word out there…speak the truth.

Me: Charlie I think the truth that is coming through loud and clear is that you are just nuts. I know that the majority of the men in this country are horribly jealous of what is going on in this house and think you are cooler than a rock star but I think the drugs may have damaged your brain a bit.

C:I am the coolest person on the planet and all the stars in our galaxy. I got Tiger blood and everyone wants it. Pretty soon people will want some of my blood so they can drink it and be like me. Like on True Blood you know?

Me: Yea I know True Blood. *trying to keep my rolling eyeballs in my head*

 Where are the “goddesses”?

C: Oh they are out buying a new outfit for tonight. Diddy is coming over to party with us. Gonna be good times. Would you like to join us? An exclusive look inside a Charlie Sheen party.

Me: *thinking this could be the thing to get White Oprah off the ground and running. How bad could it be?*

Ok Charlie. I will stay.

I don’t remember much after this. I remember him offering me a drink and some brownies. I love my chocolate so I ate half the pan.

When I came to there was a monkey running around the room screeching which made my head throb.  As I tried to stand up I noticed a fresh tattoo on my arm. A giant tiger along with the words, “Charlie Sheen was here.” Oh God, what have I done?

A little person raced into the room on a jacked up Segway. He had nothing on but a necktie. Said he would give me a ride to the front door if I give him one of my “c-notes”.

I said, “What?”

He said, “Your underwear is full of c-notes”.

I looked down to see I am wearing a Hanes t-shirt and a pair of men’s boxers that are stuffed with $100 bills. Was I molested by these lunatics???????

I hand him a bill and off we went. As my hand touched the front door knob I heard Diddy screaming.

“Hey you! Get me the hell out of here!”

Poor Diddy was chained up to the leg of the pool table and wearing a tutu.

“You are on your own dude. I am out of here” I said.

I ran as fast as I could down the driveway waving one of my c-notes at traffic until one stopped to give me a ride to my hotel. Thank God I made it out alive! 

Coca-Cola Cake...Best Cake in the World

Here it is...this cake is so wonderful. Very rich though...take it easy or you will find yourself in a sugar coma real fast.

Ingredients:
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups of sugar
3 Tbsps cocoa
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
2 sticks of margarine
1 cup Coke
2 eggs, beaten
2 cups mini-marshmellows.

Heat to boil the margarine and cocoa. Be careful not to scorch. In a large mixing bowl, put the flour, sugar and baking soda. Pour cocoa and butter mixture over the flour mixture. Add Coke, eggs, buttermilk and vanilla. Beat well. Mixture will be thin. Fold in the marshmellows. Bake in a greased and floured 13x9 inch pan for 30-40 minutes at 350. An Air Bake pan will take longer. While cake is baking, make the frosting.

3 Tbsps cocoa
6 Tbsps of Coke
1 tsp vanilla
4 cups of powdered sugar
Half cup margarine
1 cup chopped pecans
1 cup mini-marshmellows

In a sauce pan combine cocoa, coke, margarine, vanilla and marshmellows. Cook over very low heat stirring until marshmellows have melted. Again be careful not to scorch. Put powdered sugar in mixing bowl. Pour cooked cocoa mixture over the sugar and beat well. Add the nuts. Pour over the hot cake.

Enjoy!

The White Oprah Picks the Oscar Winners

Oscar night is a big deal around my house. My mother and I have had a tradition for years that we watch the show together, fix some yummy food and try to prove which of us knows more about the movies. This has gone on for more than 10 years. 

This year we are going to keep the menu simple. Pizza delivered, a cheese dip and my favorite cake in the whole world...Coca-Cola Cake. Yum yum. 

Our competition on our picks is fierce. We exchange our picks right before broadcast and grade each others so to eliminate cheating. We pick 11 of the categories and some tough ones so we don't end up with a tie. There must be a winner. 

So here are my picks for this year...I will post a comment after the show to let everyone know who the big winner was (duh it will be me). 

Best Picture: This have become much more difficult to pick since they started allowing 10 movies to be in the running but I am going to go with "The King's Speech."

Best Director: David Fincher for "The Social Network". 

Best Actor: No brainer. Hands down Colin Firth as the stuttering King in "The King's Speech". I would like to say though that my heart wants James Franco to win for "127 Hours". I imagine it would be very tough to act without other actors in a movie. He did an amazing job in this movie.

Best Actress: Ok, this one I feel very passionate about. If Natalie Portman doesn't win for "Black Swan" I will  stalk whoever they give it to until they admit Natalie deserved it and give it to her. Been hearing Annette Bening for "The Kids Are All Right". Yea, very tough to play a lesbian huh Annette? With that haircut of yours I thought you were one and Warren Beatty was your beard. Please! 

Best Supporting Actor: Easiest one to pick...Christian Bale in "The Fighter". 

Best Supporting Actress: This to me was the most difficult of all of them. My mind is saying Melissa Leo in "The Fighter". I think it will be given to Hailee Steinfeld for "True Grit". A very young actress that did an excellent job is going to sneak in and steal this one from Leo. 

Original Screenplay: "Inception". Whoever wrote this crazy movie deserves an award. My head is still spinning . 

Adapted Screenplay: "The Social Network" will take this one. 

Now we move on to the 3 tie-breaker categories because really who has a clue who will win any of these...

Costume Design: "Alice in Wonderland". When I look at all the other films in this category this one had the most elaborate costumes. 

Foreign Language Film: Been hearing a bunch about "Biutiful" so I will pick it. Viva Mexico! 

Original Song: Going with "If I Rise" from 127 Hours because my girl Florence Welch will be performing the song. Not sure why Dido isn't doing it but I will listen to Flo sing any day and be happy.

Well that is it. The show should be interesting this year because of Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting.   

Those two are good at everything, I don't think this will be an exception. 

I gotta run and polish the TV screen and stock the fridge with beverages. Enjoy the show!  

You Do Not Mess With My Thin Mints

Hersha Howard went nuts when she suspected her roommate of eating her Thin Mint cookies. The 400 pound woman woke up her roommate around 1 a.m. screaming about her missing cookies. They argued for awhile and then Howard jumped on top of her roommate and began punching her in the face. 

The roommate, Jasmin Wanke, was rescued by her husband who pulled the larger woman off of his wife. That lasted about 2 minutes. Howard then grabbed a pair of scissors and chased Wanke around the apartment. She got rid of the scissors when she ran by a board laying in the apartment. Wanke got whacked several times. 

The fight moved into the kitchen where Howard pushed Wanke around with her big body and then bit the woman's breast and hit her in the head several times. Again the husband got them separated and somehow restrained Howard until the police arrived. 

I have to side with Howard on this one. Those cookies are only available once a year and a box is $4 these days. They are like a rare gemstone...very precious. I had a craving so bad one summer I tried to break into the Girl Scout headquarters in New York City, only to find out the cookies are produced by ABC Bakers in 4 different factories around the US. I probably should have done a little research before breaking in. I did manage to get every Brownie badge known to man. Sold them to the girls on the block and paid for my trip to NY. 

I sympathize with Hersha so much that I am shipping my last box of Thin Mint cookies to her jail cell in Naples, FL. I got your back girl!