Tomorrow I Might Meet My Idol

This is author David Sedaris. Tomorrow night I will make the drive down to Arkansas (I had no idea the people down there could read!) and attend a book reading and signing.

His books are the kind that make you laugh so hard you cry. After reading a few of them I knew that this is the kind of writer I would love to be someday. I imagined women in bed with their husbands reading my books and they would come to a part that makes them laugh so long and loud their husbands must leave the room. Old ladies would read my books and have to change out their Depends. Men would say, "Ah man, check out the boobs on this writer", while looking at my flap photo. Hey, I will take whatever praise I can get.

So to meet him tomorrow night would be truly awesome. I have already picked out the book I want him to sign, "Holidays on Ice" and now just need to figure out what to say to him. I would like to say something clever of course, but in situations such as these, I tend to freak out a bit and say really dumb things. My fear will be saying such things as, "you are much better looking in your photos" or "your teeth are white. Do you use Crest Whitestrips?" I think I will sleep on it and hopefully something non-crazy will come to mind.

I am going to share a few Sedaris quotes from his books with you. If you have never read Sedaris, maybe you will want to after this or maybe you might want to stick with Jackie Collins smut novels. You make the call.

"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
— David Sedaris (Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays)

"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
— David Sedaris (Holidays on Ice) 

"The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence."
— David Sedaris (Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim)

 "When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness." 

— David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day)

 "The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf." 

— David Sedaris (Santaland Diaries)

"I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives."

— David Sedaris (Naked)