Woprah Interviews Charlie Sheen

Me: Charlie, you have been a very busy boy. I think I have seen you on every news program and radio station out there.

C: Yea I gotta get my word out there…speak the truth.

Me: Charlie I think the truth that is coming through loud and clear is that you are just nuts. I know that the majority of the men in this country are horribly jealous of what is going on in this house and think you are cooler than a rock star but I think the drugs may have damaged your brain a bit.

C:I am the coolest person on the planet and all the stars in our galaxy. I got Tiger blood and everyone wants it. Pretty soon people will want some of my blood so they can drink it and be like me. Like on True Blood you know?

Me: Yea I know True Blood. *trying to keep my rolling eyeballs in my head*

 Where are the “goddesses”?

C: Oh they are out buying a new outfit for tonight. Diddy is coming over to party with us. Gonna be good times. Would you like to join us? An exclusive look inside a Charlie Sheen party.

Me: *thinking this could be the thing to get White Oprah off the ground and running. How bad could it be?*

Ok Charlie. I will stay.

I don’t remember much after this. I remember him offering me a drink and some brownies. I love my chocolate so I ate half the pan.

When I came to there was a monkey running around the room screeching which made my head throb.  As I tried to stand up I noticed a fresh tattoo on my arm. A giant tiger along with the words, “Charlie Sheen was here.” Oh God, what have I done?

A little person raced into the room on a jacked up Segway. He had nothing on but a necktie. Said he would give me a ride to the front door if I give him one of my “c-notes”.

I said, “What?”

He said, “Your underwear is full of c-notes”.

I looked down to see I am wearing a Hanes t-shirt and a pair of men’s boxers that are stuffed with $100 bills. Was I molested by these lunatics???????

I hand him a bill and off we went. As my hand touched the front door knob I heard Diddy screaming.

“Hey you! Get me the hell out of here!”

Poor Diddy was chained up to the leg of the pool table and wearing a tutu.

“You are on your own dude. I am out of here” I said.

I ran as fast as I could down the driveway waving one of my c-notes at traffic until one stopped to give me a ride to my hotel. Thank God I made it out alive!