Don't Let The Super Bowl Sack You

The White Oprah is here to help get you through Super Bowl Sunday. You may not know this but it is a very dangerous day. It is a day of massive consumption and that alone can be unhealthy. The combination of junk food and alcohol can lead to numerous stomach and irritable bowel issues. The last thing you need is to be blowing up the bathroom of your host. But just in case, carry a small box of matches with you. After you destroy their bathroom, light up a match and get the stink out. Hustle back out to the crowd and loudly say, "Man somebody did a number in there. I almost had to go outside it was so bad." Then blame several of your friends to get the suspicion off of you. Problem solved.

There has been some medical research released lately suggesting that the Super Bowl can lead to heart attacks. There is the excitement during the game and then if your team loses, it can cause emotional stress. So here is my solution...take about 20 aspirin before the game. That should thin the blood enough to squeak through those clogged arteries and keep you alive long enough to see your team hoist the Lombardi trophy in the air. If you team loses, well 20 aspirin might not be enough. Your team losing the Super Bowl has been compared to the same grief of losing a loved one. I feel your pain.

Now we all know the Super Bowl commercials are one of the best parts of the Super Bowl (especially if you are a female). I am here to warn you though...holding your bladder through the whole Super Bowl so you don't miss a minute is not a good idea. I tried that once and had to be rushed to the hospital to have a catheter put in just so I could go. A condition Dr. Satan called, "urinary retention" which basically means your bladder gets so full that the muscles aren't strong enough to generate a urine stream. I am pretty sure it would have been ok to run to the bathroom during one of the Go Daddy.com commercials. This year I have just cut a hole in the living room floor. Problem solved.

I have seen many other Super Bowl party tragedies. Broken teeth from opening a beer bottle, broken hands from punching walls and the fairly common food poisoning, because your host is too stupid to realize her dip with mayonnaise cannot be left out for 14 hours without being refrigerated.

Enjoy the game tomorrow. Be careful out there...the quarterbacks aren't the only ones that will be sacked on Super Bowl Sunday.