The 5-Hour Energy Experience

I had seen the commercials on TV. The football star, the busy housewife and the guy at the gym. 5-hour energy (4 calories, no crash and the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee).  My curiosity got the best of me so I bought a couple of bottles. My thinking for buying two and then drinking two was I am bigger than the average person so one probably won’t even get me off the couch.

As I downed the first bottle there were all sorts of thoughts running through my head…would this change me forever? Would I be come an addict? Would I be stationed in front of Wal-Mart with a sign begging for money so I could go get my $2.99 fix? Too late now…I sat still for about 30 minutes waiting for it to kick in. Nothing. I head to the kitchen and down bottle number 2. The stuff tasted like cough medicine but if I can get my house spotless then I could suffer through the nasty taste. I certainly had had worst tasting stuff in my mouth before this.

The first thing I noticed were my hands shaking. It became less noticeable as I cleaned out the shower. On my way to cleaning out the refrigerator I noticed my heart racing extremely fast. So fast I thought it might just explode. I had that fridge done top to bottom in 15 minutes! This stuff is for real.

After the fridge, I had this huge desire to take up basket weaving or maybe origami. I needed to be doing something right now. As I was loading up in the car to head out to Hobby Lobby for some reed to start weaving my baskets, it hit me. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. While doing my business I began to notice things, my hands felt like they were on fire, my heart was going even faster than before, I was compulsively counting the number of popcorns that were sticking out from the ceiling. Who came up with the idea for popcorn ceilings?? That is what I will do next I thought…scrape all the ceilings in the house to get rid of the popcorn.

After washing my hands I realized things were getting black in the room and I felt horribly hot and dizzy. I thought I should rest for a bit and then get on scraping those ceilings. When I came to I was wearing a swimsuit and my winter gloves. The bed was completely wet and my face was lying in a pool of drool. I did not want to try to figure out exactly why the bed was wet so I jumped up. My head had such pressure in it I thought it was going to blow up.

Not again. Yes, another trip back to the bathroom. “Oh my God, I have drunk from the vial of death!” I thought. Now I know what the little man on the bottle is running from…the grim reaper.

No one will be looking for me until Monday and the last thing I wanted was to be found dead in this swimsuit. I began digging around in my closet for something to put on when I had to dash to the bathroom again. I began to pray, “Dear God, please do not let me die on the toilet like Elvis. I swear to you I will never take anything like this again and the minute I can stop going to the bathroom I will go donate 20% of my income to the church (nothing like trying to bribe God) Amen.”

The hours went by and I started feeling better. This stuff is only supposed to last for 5 hours but it is now 10pm and I am not the least bit tired. I would love to go finish the ceilings but I am scared that any sudden movement will start up the explosive diarrhea again. So here I sit at the computer blogging about my experience today.

People listen to me. The White Oprah does not approve of 5-Hour Energy drinks. Maybe if you need to lose 20 pounds before a wedding to fit in a dress, but other than that I do not approve of this product. If you need energy take some vitamins, get more sleep and exercise. Your toilet will thank you.