Hines Can Shake His Bon-Bon

I am having just one of those days. You know, nothing in particular wrong...just wish I could have stayed in bed all day watching Lifetime movies and eating Cheetos.

Then it hit me. Today is Monday. I will get to watch Hines Ward dance on "Dancing with the Stars". Yipppeeeee! My whole outlook has improved drastically. I went from wanting to sell all my worldly possessions and moving into a convent to wanting to max out my Best Buy card buying video games and cds. Ahhh back to the old me.

Watching Hines dance makes me smile. Plain and simple. So stop watching whatever weird sex show is on the OWN network and switch over to ABC tonight. I think it will bring a smile to your face too.

Joan Jett + Miley Cyrus = Disaster

Oprah, you have screwed the pooch once again.

I had heard Joan was going to be featured on an Oprah episode of 70's and 80's rockers so I recorded it. Joan was outstanding as usual but here is where it gets mucked up. Oprah paired Joan with Miley Cyrus. Yep, you heard me. So I have to sit and listen to Miley sing along with Joan on "Bad Reputation", "Cherry Bomb" and "I Hate Myself for Loving You". While this is going on, Oprah a.k.a. the devil, is out in the audience fist pumping and trying to dance. After their performance, Oprah went up and hugged Miley like 100 times but only touched Joan once and looked frightened she might have caught something from Joan. Oh Oprah.

I have loved Joan Jett since I was 9-years-old. I had a babysitter that would play "I Love Rock-N-Roll" over and over and over. After years of listening to Barry Manilow and The Carpenters with my mom, my little ears were about to explode from pure pleasure.

Joan and I have had some memories over the years. I have been on the front row for 2 of her concerts, met her once and was run off the road by her tour bus driver. I suppose maybe I should explain the tour bus memory.

Joan was in concert here in town. My BFF Cindy and I had tickets and went to see her. We left the show and went cruising around town singing to our Joan tapes at the top of our lungs. What do we see??? Joan's bus parked at the Wendy's. We circle and circle, neither one of us brave enough to get out of the car. So we park and watch. Well some dude went in and picked up Joan a #1 combo and hopped back on the bus. So we followed. Followed all through town and when the bus gets on the interstate we keep following. This might have been where we made our mistake.

We pulled up along side the bus honking and waving. "We love you Joan," we screamed. I passed the bus and got in front of them for awhile, then they passed me and again we are honking and waving. This was so much fun! I made my move to pass the bus again and next thing I know the bus is coming over into my lane.  No signal, nothing. Runs us off into the median. That pretty much did me in for the Joan fun for one evening. I placed my shaking hands back on the steering wheel and headed directly home.

Yes, technically Joan tried to kill us but that has not stopped Cindy and I from loving her. If Joan is playing remotely close to our town we get tickets and pretend for a night we are back in high school. Oh those were the days.

Inspiration Found

I met David Sedaris Tuesday night. I could not think of anything clever to say but I did not say anything completely dumb either. Apparently he is super weird about having his picture taken or I would have sat on his lap for a wonderful photo opp.

David (yes, we are on a first name basis) was very talkative and shockingly tiny. Not just skinny...I am thinking if he were standing he might have been able to make it up to my boobs. Maybe. Doesn't matter! The man is a genius.

His show started with a reading from his most recent book, moving on to a story about visiting China (I will never ever ever ever ever go there), another story of how his father admired the boy down the street for his swimming ability over David, a few readings from his diary and a few questions from the audience.

His timing was amazing. Really very much like seeing a show from a stand-up comic except David never moves. Just stands behind a podium and occasionally takes a sip of water.

After listening to the man tell his stories, it became clear to me he is a literary rock star. Going on tour, meet & greets, adoring fans and free food. This my friends is the life for me. I began to daydream...world travel, plush hotels, people crying when they meet me. That photo up there? My office. Well except for a few things...the drapes must go, I like my chairs to roll and is that a puzzle?? No puzzles...that will be replaced with a comfy couch for reading and napping. Then there is the view. I cannot see very well out those windows so a few shrubs must go and then I better be looking at an ocean. That computer has to go as well. That might fit David Sedaris, but not this big mama.

So there you have it...my dreams in writing. In all those crazy self-help books I read they talk about putting things out in the universe and they magically start to happen.

Universe! Pay attention. It is out there and I am ready and waiting.

Tomorrow I Might Meet My Idol

This is author David Sedaris. Tomorrow night I will make the drive down to Arkansas (I had no idea the people down there could read!) and attend a book reading and signing.

His books are the kind that make you laugh so hard you cry. After reading a few of them I knew that this is the kind of writer I would love to be someday. I imagined women in bed with their husbands reading my books and they would come to a part that makes them laugh so long and loud their husbands must leave the room. Old ladies would read my books and have to change out their Depends. Men would say, "Ah man, check out the boobs on this writer", while looking at my flap photo. Hey, I will take whatever praise I can get.

So to meet him tomorrow night would be truly awesome. I have already picked out the book I want him to sign, "Holidays on Ice" and now just need to figure out what to say to him. I would like to say something clever of course, but in situations such as these, I tend to freak out a bit and say really dumb things. My fear will be saying such things as, "you are much better looking in your photos" or "your teeth are white. Do you use Crest Whitestrips?" I think I will sleep on it and hopefully something non-crazy will come to mind.

I am going to share a few Sedaris quotes from his books with you. If you have never read Sedaris, maybe you will want to after this or maybe you might want to stick with Jackie Collins smut novels. You make the call.

"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
— David Sedaris (Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays)

"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
— David Sedaris (Holidays on Ice) 

"The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence."
— David Sedaris (Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim)

 "When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness." 

— David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day)

 "The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf." 

— David Sedaris (Santaland Diaries)

"I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives."

— David Sedaris (Naked) 

Woprah Doesn't Like Oprah

Yes, it is true. I don't like Oprah (I will pause to wait for all the collective gasps). I know, how can someone not like Oprah? She is an icon. Blah blah blah.

My blog is called "The White Oprah". Many people assume many things about that. That I might be racist perhaps. Nothing could be further from the truth. White Oprah is not about color so much as being the anti-Oprah. White=good and pure. That is me. That other Oprah is the devil.

I have many reasons to dislike her so I will share just a few with you. Yes, I am prepared for a long list of hateful comments telling me I am just jealous of her. Bring it.

 She invented Dr. Phil. I really don't need to say much else about this because I think America might have figured this one out on their own. But just in case you haven't, this should sum it up for you. Straight from the man's website.
" This Web Site, its Content (including any information provided by users) is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional financial, medical, legal, or other advice." 

 Giving away things she really doesn't pay for although takes full credit. Best example is the cars. You heard it all over the news, "Oprah buys studio audience brand new cars." No she didn't. Those cars were given to her because GM had a product to promote and no one sells crap better than Oprah. Anything you seen given away on her show was not paid for by Oprah.

Now when Oprah does spend her own money giving something to someone, she will make sure you know about it. How many shows were on about her starting that school in Africa? Even better is being asked to join "The Giving Pledge", a pledge billionaires give to donate 50% of their income to charity, and she has yet to sign up. You will see all over that Oprah has donated the largest amount of money to charity, but you need to consider how much money this woman makes. Her large amount of donations adds up to around 11% of her income. Not anywhere near the 50% Warren Buffet and Mark Zuckerberg are handing out.

Let's talk about her ego. It is beyond huge. I suppose mine might be as well if all I had to do was mention the name of a book and women across the country would flock immediately to book stores to buy it up. Oprah has an enormous amount of influence. So much that it scares me. She makes Jim Jones look like an amateur. People are drinking the Oprah Kool-aid, let's just hope one day she doesn't decide to put some poison in it.

Oprah also loves material things. Her "Favorite Things" show is huge. But is that realistic for the average housewife watching her show daily? I am sorry Oprah, but I cannot afford a $2400 watch by Phillip Stein or a $3800 refrigerator. To be honest, I wouldn't even want those things if I could afford them. Oprah makes it seem like money can buy happiness and sometimes that is just not true.

Last but not least...I hate that she has to have her big face on every cover of her magazine. Isn't that a bit much? Yea, I know Ellen and Michelle Obama were on one but did you notice Oprah was on the cover with them? Martha Stewart doesn't make you look at her face on the cover of her magazines every single issue. Why must we look at Oprah?

I will admit her story is remarkable. She came from nothing and has become one of the richest people in the world. I do admire that about her. But I just think Oprah the product has gotten out of hand. I am ready and waiting for her last show to air. Maybe women will start thinking on their own for a change.

Use a Taser Next Time

8-year-old Aiden Elliott went on a rampage at his grade school. He had thrown a TV, chairs and was wielding a foot long piece of wood trim with a sharp point to use as a weapon.

The teachers got as many kids as they could out of the room and locked them in an office just to get away from the kid. Aiden took a cart and was trying to bust the door down to get to them. The police were called out.

The police tried to talk him down but he was just not responding and even spewed out, “Come get me, f ------ !”

They then decide to spray him with pepper spray. The first dose was blocked by the kid with a piece of cardboard he was carrying with him. 2^nd dose gets him in the side of the head and down he goes.

Yesterday the mother and lunatic child made appearances on TV saying the police never should have used pepper spray on the child. It was just too much.

Too much??? Shooting the kid MIGHT have been too much. Using pepper spray, not so much.

Then we discover this is not the first time the cops were called out to tame this beast. They had seen this child twice before this incident! Both times they were able to talk him down.

 This woman should be ashamed of herself. She has raised a child that has zero respect for other people, including authority and elders.  She should have also kept her butt off of TV. If this were my child, I would be mortified. I would have the shrinks come in and determine if I should ship him off to the nutty farm, not giving him a reward by appearing on the “Today Show” and “Good Morning America”.

I hate to say it but this kid doesn’t stand a chance. In 10 years or sooner, he will be appearing before a judge because he stabbed someone or beat someone or ran someone over with his monster truck just to watch them go squish. This child has serious mental issues.

I cannot believe teachers have to deal with this crap. They are not paid near enough to deal with fruitcakes like this all day long. When Christmas rolls around this year, please buy your kid’s teacher a weapon to protect herself. That would be far more practical than an Applebee’s gift card.

Mandy Elliott, get a clue! Get this kid some help before he seriously injures someone.

Someone Skipped Art Appreciation Class

A woman went nuts Friday at the National Gallery of Art. She tried to yank this painting off the wall and was banging on the plastic that protected the piece. The woman was screaming, "This is evil!"

The painting by Paul Gauguin is called "Two Tahitian Women".  It was on display as part of a special Gauguin exhibit.

The woman was arrested and charged with destruction of property and attempted theft. Now I am not sure why they would charge her with theft because clearly she did not like the piece enough to hang over her fireplace. I imagine she just wanted to smash it into a few hundred pieces there in the gallery.

The painting was to be examined today for damage. This was painted way back in 1899 so I hope she didn't rough it up too much.

After taking a look at the painting, I am not sure what she got so crabby about. Yes there are two women showing their breasts. Has she never been exposed ( exposed...get it? hehehe) to art before? How are boobies evil? I don't understand but clearly this woman was off her meds on Friday.